Is your website codependent?
Say what? Your website can be codependent?
Codependence was originally developed as a term to describe the partner of an addict in recovery literature, but over the decades it has become more generalized to indicate anyone who “focuses on another’s life to the detriment of his/her own.” 1
People who struggle with codependence often have a hard time delineating where they end and another begins, and boundaries are difficult to establish or maintain and often completely nonexistent.
In my own work with codependence, I have come to understand it as a trauma adaptation that often results from trauma in very early childhood. Merging with caretakers - wanting to take care of their feelings and make them happy - is developed out of a need to get our own needs met at a pre-verbal level. 2
In always looking to the feelings of our caretakers to try and get our needs met we fail to learn how to meet our own needs and develop that autonomy as we get older.
Of course, like everything, there are varying degrees of codependence, and many people who exhibit these characteristics are actually completely happy and no struggles are evident. Resentment is the critical factor as to whether or not it’s an issue that needs to be addressed in your life or business.
So back to your website.
Can your website be codependent?
As your website is a tool to show others how your business can help them - yes!
It all comes down to boundaries.
So let’s do an audit:
Read through your website, or have a trusted friend look it over.
Is it:
trying to please everyone?
offering services or products because it’s what you think people want (without asking them or noticing if it’s what YOU want)?
no clear boundaries of communication/connection - there’s contact info everywhere or nowhere?
writing copy to follow a template or a set of rules - merging with the masses?
taking an overdeveloped sense of responsibility - you claim to know all their problems, dreams, or have the ONE solution that can fix it all?
not done, because it can’t be perfect?
trying to prove you’re good enough?
attracting needy people?
wanting to help everyone?
very rigid and ‘rules’ oriented - all stats, analytics, A/B testing - you want to be in complete control of it all?
you avoid asking for the sale or making clear product offers because you don’t want to offend anyone or seem salesy?
you make excuses for your own or your clients’ journeys/experiences/problems?
in any way makes you feel resentful, or like you’re giving more than you truly want?
If you look through it and find any of these issues…
first FORGIVE YOURSELF. You are not bad or wrong.
Then, identify 1-3 little ways you could tweak the copy or imagery or offerings to be more in line with what YOU really want.
Perhaps you hate talking on the phone, but you have your phone number plastered all over the website. How might it feel to take it off and only have email available?
Perhaps your introduction on your webpage is talking 5 different kinds of students, but you REALLY love working with 1 kind. Can you reword and focus on the smallest viable clientele - the ones you truly and deeply love working with?
Perhaps every time someone books your primary offering, you feel a little resentful, like you’re giving it away because you know you’re worth more. Can you increase the price by 25-50%?
These adjustments seem small, but I fully acknowledge that putting them into effect may actually seem terrifyingly huge. I get it, trust me.
Breathe.
Breathe some more.
And repeat: “I am worth it.” Or at least, “I am willing to believe that I might be worth it.”
May you know and embrace your authentic, innate worthiness so that you can serve with an open heart.
Jennifer J. Sowle Ph.D, The Everything Guide to Codependency (Avon, MA: F+W Media, Inc, 2014), 28.
Steven Kessler, The 5 Personality Patterns: Your Guide to Understanding Yourself and Others and Developing Emotional Maturity (Richmond, CA: Bodhi Tree Press, 2015), 125-160.
